I was reading my journal tonight and found two entries that describe the lessons I've been reaping this summer pretty well. They were written about 2 weeks ago and they're pretty much word for word.

July 27, 2009
"This summer has not been what I thought it was going to be. I had it in my mind that when I came back from Oregon, I would be super-Christian. I would get off the plane and it would be as if the sun or stars themselves had just arrived. Super-Christian. I'd answer every call of the Holy Spirit, I would be fearless, kind, and incredibly beautiful and in shape (because of course I would work out every day) *sidenote-this did not happen.* :) I would be captivating-beautiful. And I think there was this hope that if I could just reach that level of perfection, my friends would finally love me....and finally, finally, finally Jesus would love me too.
But, the thing is, the main lesson isn't one about how to make everyone love me. It's that Jesu already loves me. I'm the one that's been resistant to Him, not the other way around. I think it's just been really scary for me to latch on to that love. The thing about a crazy love like that is to accept it is to commit to it, to trust it. To fully love it back. But the amazing part of this love is that it always loves you back. It's not a "single-level" Love either. Though, I've noticed, so many treat it that way. It's a Love that invites you to grow and to be.
Serving people isn't hard. I've often wondered why people have been amazed by that concept. It's not difficult. Loving people and serving them because you, yourself, recognize that you are and have been loved and served by Christ- that's hard...I was thinking yesterday, about how I wished I was staying in Portland longer so I could learn more and do more. As if Christ was somehow contained to a state or a city...the great thing is that I can carry the concept of Night-Strike anywhere and everywhere-even to Adrian. I have had quite a few lazy moments this summer. But God has been teaching me about them. I love that I am following Him and I am incredibly grateful. Growth is good. My beauty is real. And His love? Genuine and completely trustworthy. In Him, there is no fear or hate or worry. Because He is good."



I may post the other enty later, but not tonight, I've decided.

I have four more weeks here in Portland and I'll admit that I've been terrible at keeping a blog. It seems crazy to me that there is so little time left here, or that I've been here so long. It honestly doesn't feel that way. I'm learning so much, but none of it is exactly what I thought. I thought that I would be learning to love the people around me better, and I have been. But more than that, I've been learning to love myself. To really appreciate myself. To realize that Jesus Christ, the God who create me, is in love with me and to trust and be completely content with that without question. I've realized that I'm not very trusting of those closest to me. I haven't believed that their love for me was sincere or genuine, until recently. I guess I always thought it was out of obligation, rather than free-will, that I was loved. When I made that discovery about myself (because I didn't think I had trust issues) I had to ask myself a deeper question, "Why did I feel that way about my relationships? and was that issue present in my most important relationship with Christ? Bingo. Since I was able to make that discovery (and not on my own, either) I have been able to learn more about His love. Serving people isn't the problem for me. But how effectively am I loving people if I don't even have a sense on the passionate love Christ has for me? What exactly did I think I was sharing with people?

The next few weeks will be crazy, as teams begin to pour in for B-Town Adventures (our mission weeks). This weekend is supposed to touch around 100 degrees and Saturday, of course, is B-TOWNKIDZ. AAAhhhhh!!! It's my responsibility to plan and run the games for this weekend, which is awesome (aaannddd....i may get a MEGAPHONE! :D) All the games we've planned out for Saturday include water! It's going to be hot!
Tomorrow is Friday, and we have a team in. So that means service projects and Nightstrike! I'm spending the night with the team tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that. It should be fun times! I'm not sure if Toni, who's in charge of the teams, is planning a late night trip to the Shanghi Tunnels under Portland, but I'm crossing my fingers! I am also going to bed now. Goodnight!

Life is such an interesting thing. There are days when it can be the most exciting thing in the world, full of adventure, new experiences, and interesting people. Then there are those other days when it is boring, those times when the day is quiet and you're quiet, and you really don't want to do anything.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking a lot about life and what it entails. I've come across so many adults 20-30 years older than myself who say, "With what I know now, I would give anything to be in your shoes." That breaks my heart. Am I going to be 50 and wish I could go back to age 19? I hope not. Does everyone feel that way? Or is it possible to gain the knowledge that those older than me talk about, so I can experience now what they wish they could have at my age? I think it's possible.
My first year of college was great and terrible at the same time. I heard a quote once that said,

"To lose oneself on the journey is, indeed, unfortunate. But to lose the purpose for the journey is a tragedy even more grave."

A powerful statement. I wonder if you can lose your purpose without losing yourself? Or vice-versa? When it all boils down, aren't they the same thing? Anyway, I forgot who I was this year. What my purpose was, what I liked and why I liked those things. And that...that is tragic. So I left. Yes, I came to Portland for an internship, but I left for more than just to work. See, Bridgetown represented something for me, and still represents something for me. The girl I once was and the woman that I'm becoming. So I left. The mistake I made was that Alyssa was in Portland, and if I left, I'd find her. What I've realized since that time is that I'm with me wherever I go. This might be very obvious for some people, but I think for the majority, we forget.
So what have I learned so far? The answer to that is kind of complicated. I guess for one, I've realized that I'm most like myself when I'm around people. And I'm at my happiest when I'm with kids. Bridgetown just launched their brand new B-Town Kidz site last week and I got to be on the ground floor of the project. It was awesome. I've met so many amazing children! White, black, Hispanic, Muslim, Christian, and the list goes on. It's the best. I'm so lucky to be able to hang out with them. Some are quiet, others outgoing, others skeptical. But they're all children and I love each of them! I'm helping out with the site, but I'm not the intern in charge of it, so I get to just go hang out with them, learn their names, learn their likes, their dislikes, and hope they remember my name next week. :)
I feel closest to Christ when I'm loving on them. I want to do that forever. I like doing Nightstrike, I have some really interesting conversations. But that's not what pulls at my heartstrings and brings me consistently to the feet of Christ in awe. No, it's when I'm playing with Laloni, Jonathan, Stephanie, Callie, Rashan, Stefan, and Chase. In their world of broken promises and unfulfilled hopes, I get to be part of a ministry that shows them the love and faithfulness of the God who is already working in their lives. Who already knows their hopes and dreams. All I have to do is do the same. And that's the best. And it's that that is going to make leaving so incredibly hard.

Jesus

You know, being here is sort of like a punch to the brain. A couple of the questions I've been faced with are:
1.) Who is Jesus Christ, really? Who is this One that I am serving?
2.) What is my role in the Kingdom, in the Church?
3.) How would the world change if I allowed Christ to unleash Alyssa Ann Eagen on it?
4.) What is Jesus' heart?
5.) What do I want?
I'll expand later.

...and then there are the margins....

today i was on the max and a girl hopped on and began to ask riders if they had any spare change. including me. i said that i was sorry but i didn't, and as she walked away, i realized that i had $5 in my back pocket. i could have easily walked over and handed it to her but i didn't. i sat still and rode to my meeting with bridgetown- a leadership meeting about how we could better fulfill our mission statement: loving people because people matter. you know what the worst thing about it was? i was kind of relieved, because i realized that i had money for starbucks with me.
on the way home, after the meeting, i was on the max once again, and i began to wonder. this young girl (she looked younger than me) was dirty. it had obviously been a few days since she had been able to take a shower, and her clothes and hair gave testimony to that. i wondered if that girl was clean if all of us on that train would have offered to help her out? but she wasn't. this girl was in the margins. how in the world did we ever get the absolute nerve to set those up? Jesus never abided to the rules of society and our margins. and i have serious doubts that if He were to show up one day on the earth and take a walk around, He would be spending time with me. no, He'd be in the margins.
and i want so badly to meet Him there, to break down those walls. but ever since arriving here, i've realized that there is no way i'd be able to do that out of my own free-will. my mind-set is too twisted to ever do that with a sincere heart and sound mind. i NEED Him. i DESIRE the mindset of Jesus Christ. being here is showing me just how crazy and counter-cultural Jesus was and IS.
this city is so uncomfortable for me, because it is teeming with those that we've placed in the margins, and those people are aware of it. this is not safe, it is not comfortable, it is not a stroll in the park. this is hard. but it is worth it.
i'm feeling these growing pains in my soul. i'm being humbled. it hurts. a lot. but i think, for this reason, i need to be here.

The First Entry of My Real Blog

To me, blogging is just like journaling with the exception of extremely personal thoughts. I only hope that I'll be able to keep up on this as I am TERRIBLE at journaling. I want to be faithful in it, but I seem to constantly fall short. But I did want to start a blog so I could share stories from the adventures God is taking me on.
For those of you who don't know, this summer, I am interning at Bridgetown Ministries in Portland, OR. So far, I have been a part of one official event called Soles for Souls. Bridgetown worked with the ShoeMill, Adidas, and other shoe companies to distribute around 5,000 free pairs of shoes to the homeless and others who needed them. It was an awesome event, but it blew me away. As the rain fell, we talked to people about their lives, their day, and their shoe size. Everyone was different, but what I enjoyed most was seeing people's faces light up as I opened a shoe box to reveal the answer to a real need, and talking to them about the different shoes they would need for their day-to-day lives. One woman told my friend, Liz, and I that she needed sturdy shoes that wouldn't let water in, as she lived under one of the several bridges in Portland (hence the name Bridgetown).
One thing that frustrated me about the event was the lack of boots. I wouldn't have given it a second thought, except for the fact that almost every other person asked for them. And we barely had any.
Already I am learning that there is very little I know about the world. But I am constantly learning, growing, and gaining a wider perspective of the Body and the universe and people that Jesus Christ is reconciling to Himself. It's awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfTxUPVDF4M&feature=PlayList&p=4F0F85FFDC630602&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=6